Love is Risking Annihilation

It is embarrassingly cliche to be brought to your knees by the loss of a lover.

We are hardwired for wanting to belong. We are weaned from our mothers breasts with the idea that love and belonging are scarce. We are seduced by the idea that we must look for love to be complete, to feel whole. We are lured into forgetting that love is what we are made of. We seek to be loved and when we are thrown from the bridge of our beloved’s favor into the churning waters of untethered self doubt, it is both devastating and predictable.

We all long for reunion with the divine.

We are all striving to return to the great love we came from. Some feel it with curiosity, some with deep, painful longing, some with gentle laughter at the absurdity of it all.

I went searching for something to complete me and I found the perfect illusion to give what I thought was missing. I jumped with both feet down the rabbit hole of my making.

I fell in love.

I fell like I had never fallen before. I fell...

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The Exquisite Beauty of Falling Apart

This me that exists now is unrecognizable.

I have fallen apart and reformed so many times I don’t know the difference. I feel dismantled yet exquisitely assembled. This me looks deceptively like depression from the outside. It is uncharacteristically unmotivated, sleeps more than is necessary, finds words painful, thinking not easy. It’s not the same as giving up, yet it could be mistaken for that. Sometimes it is so deceptive I start to wonder myself. The me waiting outside knows better.

I have binged on eating away the illusions I have clung to and wrapped myself up in the tight silk of transformation.

What I once knew of myself has become mush. It is rumored you get wings at the end of this, but I have my doubts. Not quite one thing or another I have become an incoherent mess. Yet I somehow still have structure and form. I make my bed every morning. I open and close windows. I make bread, kneading dough same as before. I care deeply, maybe too deeply. There are...

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There is No Such Thing as Safe (And How to Feel Safe Anyway)

What is safety?

I used to believe that safety was doing all I could do to prevent bad things from happening. I felt I needed the world to change in order for me to feel safe. I needed people to act a certain way, I needed situations to have particular outcomes, I needed to be extra smart and foresee all possible danger so I could avoid it at all costs. I also stocked up on resources so that if a bad thing happened I could minimize the effects as much as I could. I stockpiled money, things, people, feelings, in order to minimize the fear I had of scarcity.

These were fear based reactions and felt very disempowering to myself and to the people, things and situations I felt I had to control in order to feel safe in this world.

I spent my life trying to out run paper tigers. But it was pointless because for every tiger I out ran there were two waiting for me around the corner. I gave these tigers to my friends and loved ones like gifts, making up new reasons why the world was a...

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The Spiritual Path of Dating an Asshole

I didn’t consciously choose the spiritual path I have been on.

I did not set out seeking an asshole to further my liberation. Like most people, I just happened into one. As most of the romantic stories of my life, it fell right to me and I devoured it like a starving dog devours the kitchen scraps thrown out the back door. After all he was so sensitive, he had a spiritual path, he had brushed up on tantric skills in the bedroom, and his sheets were clean (an alarmingly rare quality in single men).

Let me put this on the table right now. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t have the answers you are seeking. I don’t advocate you do anything like me. Most of the time I can’t tell if I am a warrior priestess on a light workers journey, or I’m just some misguided old maid making some very poor decisions.

So what are the tenants of spiritual growth through dating an asshole? It boils down to one principle, choose to look for the lesson...

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You Cannot Eat, Pray, Love Your Way to Happiness.

You cannot Eat, Pray, Love your way to Happiness.

These past 2 years have been a life changing, habit breaking, pattern disrupting experience. I gave up all the plans, I gave up all the things that held me to what I had been. Not that there was anything wrong with who or what I had been, just that I was ready for something bigger.

I closed down my successful business, I separated from my long term partner, I left the home I built with my own hands to find out what more there was to build. It led me around the world. From Tibet to Texas, from Bali to Morocco, from Mt. Everest to Mt. Kilimanjaro, from the Appalachian woods to the California coast. I have had many adventures, close calls, magical moments, tearful breakthroughs, euphoric insights, and mundane stretches where time did the doggie paddle. 

I stopped in 18 countries, four continents, dipped my toes in six different oceans.

I watched dozens of sunsets and moonrises in just as many exotic locations. I talked with holy...

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Collective Consciousness and #MeToo, A Personal Experience

I am not usually one to write about politics, it is a sticky wicket I would rather avoid.

But this week I found that politics and the personal were so intricately entwined I could not avoid diving into it. So here goes…

In case you haven’t heard, another prominent man in power has come into the public attention because of alleged sexual misconduct. This has become so ubiquitous that I feel I could post this on any given week and it would be true. I don’t want to talk about the details of who, what, why, or if, because to me that is not the thing that affects me. What affected me was that the topic rose to the surface of the collective yet again. 

I purposefully did not engage in any of the news, so I actually don’t really know much about the case in point.

What I was tracking were my own feeling reactions and body response. I am a fairly intuitive person and rank pretty high on empathic abilities, which means I feel a lot of other peoples feelings and...

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Rewrite Your Personal History: How to Overcome Trauma

Do you ever wish you could change something from your past? Are there things from your personal history that haunt you? Are you easily triggered by things that other people say or do?

We all have events from our past that trigger us into strong reactions in the present. It can happen anytime a moment in the present brings up a similar sensation from an unprocessed trauma.

Trauma, for the sake of this article, is defined by any event from which we still have unprocessed emotions. It can be a major event like a car accident or personal assault, these events are easy to identify. But it can also be something seemingly insignificant. A small comment someone made to you offhand at a party, a slap on the hand when you were a child. A minor event or incident that for whatever reason you were not able to process in the moment. These smaller moments can be harder to identify and we often experience shame around having emotion connected to something that looks minor to our...

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Things I have Learned In My Travels

I am a nomad.

I still find this hard to believe. My reality has shifted so drastically it doesn’t even seem real. The things that have become mundane are magical. I find myself walking on the beach with new friends that feel like old companions. Different people, different continents. I don’t believe it when I recount where I have been or where I am going next. How did this become my life? Digging my feet in the sand, talking about the things nearest my soul with old souls who are fast friend even though we just met.

I get to reinvent myself everyday.

All the time. Every time I introduce myself to someone new.

I am in a new place almost every day. People ask me questions I am not used to answering. I get to answer however I feel. I actually check into how I feel first and don’t just give a stock answer. Sometimes I am surprised by the answers. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am lying. I don’t know what is true anymore. Where do I come from? What am I doing?...

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Travel Log: Reflections On How My Life Has Changed

My experiences thus far in Indonesia have been mind blowing and life changing. I am so grateful for the way my life has been unfolding. I have been doing a lot of unraveling of my life for almost a year. Every challenge and new step I take feels terribly scary. I really don’t know what I am doing. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. 

As I was sitting on the beach last night watching the sunset with two beautiful women having deep conversations about the nature of the human experience, I was completely humbled.

I can’t believe that this is my life!

A few short months ago I felt like my life was fixed, that change was hard and that it took a long time and was always painful.

But I had faith. Somehow I became so convinced that my life was supposed to be bigger, better, easier, more magical. I kept the faith even as the challenges made my rational mind feel that I was being unreasonable.

Personal dramas, family traumas, and intense...

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Your Shadow Is Part of You. Embrace the Dark Side.

This week I am looking at the light and dark in my life. Through ritual, through ceremony, through workshops and experience. I listened to all the voices in my head. The ones that tell me I’m okay and the ones that tell me I am not.
I took the time to really listen to the scripts that run on a constant loop. Many went something like;
what makes you think you’re so special
you’ll never be good enough
you aren’t worthy
In my rational mind I say I don’t really believe them. Yet still, when I listened, they were running in the background like some pop radio smash hits from my youth that keep getting played on the greatest hits station of my shadow self.

So familiar, so comfortable and well worn that I didn’t even pay attention to the lyrics anymore and just sang along.

Dropping deeply into listening, really listening, it started to sound differently. At first it was unbearably uncomfortable. The words...
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