My experiences thus far in Indonesia have been mind blowing and life changing. I am so grateful for the way my life has been unfolding. I have been doing a lot of unraveling of my life for almost a year. Every challenge and new step I take feels terribly scary. I really don’t know what I am doing. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan.
As I was sitting on the beach last night watching the sunset with two beautiful women having deep conversations about the nature of the human experience, I was completely humbled.
I can’t believe that this is my life!
A few short months ago I felt like my life was fixed, that change was hard and that it took a long time and was always painful.
But I had faith. Somehow I became so convinced that my life was supposed to be bigger, better, easier, more magical. I kept the faith even as the challenges made my rational mind feel that I was being unreasonable.
Personal dramas, family traumas, and intense loneliness provided ample excuses to give up and retreat to my “safe” life. Even as the resistance got stronger I was able to find the place where faith in the divine nature of the universe also got stronger.
I found peace in the chaos and an unwavering serenity that became the pole around which my strong emotional upheaval and endless grief danced. It became a game. I watched myself having the emotions and let them have their place in my attentions. I let them be teachers as I returned to the strong center of peace when I needed a breather or a higher perspective.
I was repaid with an immediate and unbelievable opportunity to upgrade my life.
To give proof of my faith and willingness to give up what held me back. The more of my old beliefs I cut away the more I see the beauty unfolding before me. When the next step seemed unbearable, the next surprise awaiting me was even more unbelievable. I see how much resistance I continually confront in my stubborn clinging to belief systems that do not support my growth.
I still have the same bouts of fear and grief and anxiety and strong uncomfortable places. But I have the proof, waking up in the morning to this miracle of life around me, that my life is all that and more. The magic is not in the exotic locations, but in my own heart.